Scared Myself Stupid :(

I thought today, ok, im really intrigued as to what a real video of a real op looks like, so i youtubed a few of the lefort 1 (upper jaw) process live operations. I honestly started to feel really sick watching one of them (why do i do it to myself??!!!) the surgeons seemed really rough and it looked like butchering meat when they were getting to the upper jaw bone. i feel close to tears – what have i signed up for?!!!! i also noticed how much fluid, blood and stuff was collecting at the back of this patients throat and am now convinced I am going to drown in the surgery… i know there must be an answer to this as lots of people have come through this surgery but i am feeling very scared and panicked right now…. 😦

Also – How far peoples mouths are stretched open is like the 8th wonder of the world – its literally ear to ear! FFS, why did i grow this way?! why do I have this wonky face yet my Sister or no one else in my family do?!!!!   i know i probably sound melodramatic but i am absolutely sh**ting myself for whats coming, i want the end result, i do, and i dont mind pain, but my god this is just on another level… im sticking to the other youtube animated videos with the smiley lady, who doesnt bleed at all and doesnt have her gum tissue burnt while its being cut…. my advice to anyone – DO NOT WATCH A LIVE SURGERY VIDEO BEFORE YOUR OP, i wish i could go back, and not have watched it x  Im not watching anymore, im sticking in fairyland with the ignorance that i go to sleep and wake up with a new face, as if by magic….. yep, magic works for me……..